An Englishman's Home is His Castle

An Englishman's Home Is His Castle is a song by Professor Elemental and the third track on the 2012 album Father of Invention.

Lyrics
Hello, lovely, you look stunning

Lots of fun in my house, come in!

Care for a biscuit or a liquorice twist?

It's best not to sit there; better not risk it

That chair, right there, reserved for Geoffrey,

A butler who helps me, a monkey? Definitely

An ape, probably, I'm never quite sure.

Have a look around,

Don't open that door!

That's where the lab is, where I produce

A number of things and one got loose

So keep an eye out for something new

Here at Elemental Manor, there's something to do

That's alarming, bizarre, disarming, and charming.

Ghosts in the attic, giant rabbits in the garden

Half past three: I'm parched, I'm partial

To a bucket-load of tea

In my home; my castle

An Englishman's home is his castle

Come on in, how do you take your tea?

We've been waiting for you

Oh, you're welcome, you're all so terribly welcome.

An Englishman's home is his castle

Well hello, so much for you to see

We've been waiting for you

And now that you've made it, I'm ever so pleased

I'm gonna get you a taxi, honey,

Try to be ready 'bout half past eight

Come on now, don't be late

I wanna be there when the band starts playing

In case we haven't been introduced,

I'll save you the interview

A brief rundown, an interlude

Geoffrey, damn your eyes, bring some soup.

Let's start with my loves:

Wearing khaki, my lovely hats, and lavish parties,

Experiments, exotic dance, inventing things, exotic plants,

And pots of tea and mystery, and dear Geoffrey,

And more tea (obviously)

And Battenburg and being nice,

And badgers, crumble, gin with ice,

And machines that fly, doing what's right,

Or going on a nudist hike

That's quite alright, don't look so startled,

My lands, my grounds, my home, my castle!

Just remember when we get there honey,

Two steps and gonna handle them all,

Dance off both my shoes when they play the jelly roll blues

Trivia

 * A riff from Herb Alpert's "Tijuana Taxi" can be heard at 0:06
 * Italicised lyrics are from "The Darktown Strutter's Ball" by Shelton Brooks, published in 1917